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Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Making THE Decision

Today I made THE decision and agreed to have Calvin moved to the hospital's dementia unit.  My mother would have been proud of me.  I made the decision without flinching and without tears because I knew that Calvin would get the help he needs and I would be safe.  My mother and my maternal grandmother had this ability to face terrible situations and make the decisions needed, sometimes almost dispassionately, never showing the raging inferno inside.

Please don't misunderstand, Calvin and I both collapsed into tears when the doctor left.  I could not begin to tell you all how much I love Calvin.  I cannot even explain it myself.  There is something mystical and sacred about what Calvin and I share.  I think even trying to describe it would almost be sacrilegious.  Does that make sense?  Hell, I don't know.  I am not sure if most of what I write to you all makes sense.  But, I open my heart to you all, my beloved family and friends and to you, gentle reader, who might have stumbled on to my blog while researching C.T.E., quaking in fear at what you are finding.  Take courage, if you truly love the person who has C.T.E. and are in the position to have to make THE decision, you will be given the courage to do it out of sheer love.

This song was running through my head as I was listening to the doctor explain what was required and the decision I had to make:
 
Later, I was driving home with tears cascading from my eyes.  As I drove home, the wind blew them dry.  Even though this song is written for someone who has ended their relationship, much of it rang true in my heart.  The house is strangely quiet.  I don't know how I am going to use my time.  I know I have lots of housework to do, but for now, I will sleep and find courage to face tomorrow.
Good night family, friends and gentle readers.