At one point in time, quite gradually, my husband became my child. No, he isn't really childish but he acts more childlike now. Any parent who has had small children in the house will recognize these scenarios. Here are some examples: If I am watching TV, I get a running commentary (usually of nouns and verbs strung together in an incomprehensible fashion) about what is going on. If I am on the telephone, my husband has to offer commentary on my conversation, usually in the form of jokes that were once delivered with a great deal of cleverness and now lack the wit they once had. I feel like:
I find myself sitting up until 2:00 - 3:00 am just to get some private time and that assumes that Calvin has gone to bed before me. There are many nights when he refuses to take his bedtime medication and I have to trust that he won't wander the neighborhood, "protecting" me from what terrors in the night he imagines. You might ask how I can just to go bed when he is like this. I have to. I have to work the next day. I am the sole support of Calvin and I.
Paranoia is another aspect to C.T.E. and the delusions usually take on a violent overtone, such as Calvin being convinced that the neighbors across the alley have brought some big guy over and they are going to raid our garage for all the leftover holiday decorations and unused plastic silverware we have in there. He might also imagine people breaking into the house when the streets are quiet and our 125 pound pit bull terrier slumbers in the living room.
So, I crave, I hunger for some quiet time. I haven't even been able to write to all of you because I can't concentrate when my husband is awake. I don't even get to read anymore and I have three books that I have started with no hopes of finishing anytime soon. Tonight, I have enjoyed 3 hours of peace, blessed quietness, so far because my husband is napping deeply in his chair. This can shatter at any moment but I will be as quiet as possible, watch my TV show and crochet in peace. I thank the good Lord for bringing me this respite. I now know that somehow I have to schedule respite care, I'm just not sure how that is going to happen or what that is going to look like yet.
Here's an old Gospel song that has been running through my head the last 3 hours. Enjoy!